The Types of Grief No One Talks About

The Sagent Behavioral Health providers consulted for this article on different types of grief are Dr. Karin Ryan, LP and Brett Cushing, LMFT, hosts of the Everyday Therapy Podcast. 

When most of us think about grief, we usually picture the feelings that accompany the death of a loved one. But grief can show up in many different ways, leaving people to wonder if their experiences are valid. The loss of a pet, a job, or a relationship can trigger intense types of grief that people don’t speak about as much. 

But these types of grief are completely valid and normal, and you can seek help for them. In this article, we’ll hear from two licensed therapists who explain the four different types of grief and how to work through them in a healthy way. 

Related: Types of Grief and Loss 

The Anticipatory Type of Grief 

While many of us know about the grief that comes from losing a loved one, we may not be as familiar with the grief that comes from anticipating the loss of a loved one. 

This anticipatory type of grief can often come up in situations like terminal illness, where there’s no chance of a person recovering. “If somebody has a terminal illness, your interactions now have probably adjusted,” says Dr. Karin Ryan, licensed psychologist. “So, you already are in the grief process.” 

Anticipatory grief is a unique experience in which you’re grieving someone before you’ve lost them, which can create a host of confusing emotions. You may feel sadness at the impending loss of your loved one, but also a sense of impatience or wishing the whole thing to be over, and both of those feelings are completely normal.  

“What makes it very difficult with anticipatory grief is the fact that people are going through this prolonged anticipation and part of them just want the whole thing to be over,” says licensed therapist Brett Cushing. “It doesn’t mean you don’t love that person, it just validates how hard it is for you to go through this with them.” 

Anticipatory grief is especially challenging because of the painful dichotomy between wanting to spend as much time with your loved one as possible and also wanting their suffering to be over. Because this isn’t talked about as much, it can leave people feeling alienated or alone, but all of the feelings accompanying this type of grief are completely valid and normal. 

Related: What is Transnational Grief and Loss? 

The Loss of a Pet and Disenfranchised Grief 

"Disenfranchised grief is a type of grief that society doesn't recognize or see as important," says Brett. "And a lot of times, it comes up with pets."  

Pet loss can be especially isolating because it impacts you deeply, yet people may dismiss your grief, saying, "It's just a dog" or "You knew cats don't live that long." For many people, losing a pet feels even harder than losing a human loved one. "Sometimes, we can be a lot more attached to a pet than a person," Brett notes.  

One of the reasons for this attachment is the type of love and connection our pets offer on a daily basis. "They can offer us unconditional love," Dr. Ryan says. "And we can get really attached because they're part of our daily lives – they're living with us, snuggling with us, taking their meals from us, walking with us, and we're thinking about them multiple times a day." 

The daily reminders can be especially painful. As Dr. Ryan shares, "What I found when we lost our dog was the number of times I've opened the door expecting to see her, or I'd look for her, or I'd hear a creak in the house and think, oh, where's Abby? And then realize, oh, she's gone."  

Because of this unique attachment, losing a pet can be devastating. If you're struggling with pet loss, Dr. Ryan suggests finding other pet lovers who understand. "Lean into the pet lovers. When you find yourself feeling like others are invalidating your loss, find fellow pet lovers who understand." 

Related: Can Group Therapy Help with Loneliness? 

Complicated Grief - When There's No Closure 

Many types of grief spring from the realization that something or someone you care about - a job, partner, pet, or loved one - is gone for good and won't be a part of your life in the same way ever again. However, when the loss is not definite and there is no closure, this can be uniquely painful as well. 

Situations like estrangement, severe addiction, or missing person cases can bring on a painful onset of complicated grief without any closure. You don't know if you'll ever see this person again or if the relationship will ever be restored to what it was, but right now, you're grieving the loss of what you had with them. 

Brett notes that this type of grief is common for parents of adult children who struggle with addiction. "If you have an adult child who's struggling with a severe addiction, and they're out of touch, that can be very difficult to process. You don't know where they are or if they're alive or dead." 

Another difficult manifestation of this is in a self-imposed estrangement from a loved one or family member, where you've intentionally cut yourself off from a hurtful or abusive individual. "There are times when it's really healthy for us to have clear boundaries with family members or loved ones," says Dr. Ryan. "But when we set those boundaries, it's a tremendous loss and a complicated one because they still could technically be part of our lives, but we know that's not good for us."

Both situations create this in-between space that is uniquely difficult because, as Dr. Ryan explains, our brains crave closure. "These losses don't fit together neatly. That makes the grief process even more complicated." 

Related: PTSD & Substance Use: Is There a Connection? 

Types of Grief That Come with Divorce or Breakup 

The last type of grief we’ll cover in this article is one that can be uniquely devastating: divorce or the end of a relationship. While we do talk more about this in our culture today, many of us don’t realize the full extent to which this type of grief can affect our lives, and because of that, many people are left wondering if they’re “overreacting” to a breakup. 

The reason this type of grief is so unique is because the end of a relationship may also include the end of an entire social structure, according to Brett. “Sometimes, you don’t just lose a spouse in your divorce, you’ve lost a whole way of life,” he says. “Your whole social support system, your way of doing things. Sometimes it's their churches or wherever they go for a sense of community - it is lost.” 

There are seemingly countless other parts of your life that a breakup can affect as well. You may now have to move from a shared home to an apartment, arrange different visiting schedules for your children or pets, and you may also experience a reduced standard of living as your income may be cut in half.  

In addition to these changes, the loss of a relationship can also include grieving the dreams you had for the future in your relationship, which will never now come to pass. Maybe you had plans to buy a home, start a family, or travel to faraway places. Now, those plans are gone, along with the relationship. 

If you’re struggling with severe grief after a divorce or breakup, you’re not the only one. This, along with the other types of grief we discussed, can be addressed and find healing through grief counseling. 

Related: How to Have Less Arguments with Your Partner 

What is Grief Counseling? 

Grief counseling is a type of talk therapy that's specifically focused on helping you move through the grieving process in a healthy way. It involves a combination of giving you space to feel your feelings, validating that what you're experiencing is normal and okay, processing complex emotions, and giving you practical guidance and direction for how to move forward. 

Much of what good grief counseling is, says Dr. Ryan, is giving a person a nonjudgmental space to experience the wide variety of emotions that grief brings up. Another big component of it is validating and normalizing these emotions. "It's a lot of normalizing, validating, and helping them understand what they're going through. It's telling them that their reaction - no matter what - makes sense, and that there isn't a timeline or a right or wrong way to grieve." 

In addition to providing a compassionate space and validating their experience, grief counseling will also offer practical guidance and advice for moving forward. Dr. Ryan describes this process as learning how to "grow around your grief."  

Growing around your grief can look different for each individual, which is why the practical guidance from a therapist who knows you and your unique situation is so valuable. Depending on your situation, they may recommend engaging in old activities or hobbies, leaving the house more, getting more sunlight, or other ways that you can begin to engage with your life again while still holding space for the grief you feel. 

No Matter the Type of Grief, You’re Not Alone 

No matter what type of grief you're experiencing, your feelings are valid and you don't have to navigate this alone. At Sagent Behavioral Health, we offer grief counseling, group therapy, and support groups designed to help you process your loss and find your path forward. 

Call 1-844-NYSTROM or request an appointment online to get help today!