Ep. 155 | Stress vs. Burnout: From Overwhelmed to Over It

[00:00:00] Welcome to Everyday Therapy, where simple and practical concepts of therapy meet your everyday life. Hosted by licensed marriage and family therapist Brett Cushing and Doctor Karen Ryan, we're here to help you unlock tools and strategies you need to become the best version of yourself. Whether you're looking for guidance, inspiration, anecdotes, or actionable advice. You're in the right place.

[00:00:20] Let's dive into everyday therapy. Hello and welcome to another episode of Everyday Therapy. We're so glad to have you here. I also have here with me Doctor Karen Ryan. Who am I? I should introduce myself. I don't even know some days. Brett Cushing and I'm a licensed marriage family therapist. We're glad to be here. Maybe, I don't know, maybe I'm burned out, Karen.

[00:00:45] Maybe I'm just depleted and I can't think straight anymore. Just apathetic about it. All right? Well, that's what we're going to be talking about. It is? Yes. We we can't get burned out. And that's very normal. And we definitely can get stressed. And we just had talked about stress and anxiety. One thing we didn't touch about touch on was you stress.

[00:01:05] Maybe we can talk a little bit about that today. Yeah. You bet. Absolutely. I think that's relevant. But stress and burnout, how do we know the difference? And what do we do to make a difference in both? Yeah, yeah. Where can we lean into, like, what we can actually do about it, which is so helpful. Right. Because feeling like we have a healthy amount of control helps us with all things.

[00:01:26] Right. So. Right. Stress. So stress is feeling overwhelmed. Right. Like there's too much to do. And then burnout is feeling like you have nothing left to give. So I'm going to say that again stress is feeling overwhelmed by too much. Burnout is feeling like you have nothing left to give. So burnout really develops when stress has become kind of chronic and unmanaged.

[00:01:51] And the World Health Organization defines burnout as a syndrome which causes chronic workplace stress that hasn't been successfully managed. And it erodes motivation, energy, sense of effectiveness, not just mood. And the World Health Organization talked about it in workplace stress. But, you know, Brett and I think we both agree that burnout can happen other places to it's not just work, right.

[00:02:14] Right. But really burnout is when we feel like we're depleted, right? When we've given everything we can or we've been tolerating this high level of stress and it can become too much. Right. I think I don't know why I keep going to the car and allergies, but I think of stress hitting the gas pedal all the time. Burnout is when you pump the brakes and you're slowing down considerably.

[00:02:36] And we want to kind of have that analogy in mind as we continually talk or you've run out of gas. I was just going to say, you are pushing that gas pedal on the cars on. Yeah, I've had that happen. Not happening. Have you run out of gas and like, you just can't go anywhere. And it's a very helpless feeling.

[00:02:54] Yes. And I think it is akin to when you have burnout. You're just I, I want to I want to be productive. You can still have very strong convictions about working hard and being productive. And yet if there's no gas in the tank and you're not going anywhere, right. And I've run out of gas at work where I'm just sitting there and I'm kind of looking at my computer screen and I will literally be like, Karen, you have to do something right or have been, you know, in the evening.

[00:03:21] And there's a lot of things to do, and I'm just like, stuck. And I end up like doing nothing because I don't really want to do anything right. I think of that, that adage, paralysis by analysis. We see so much that needs to get done and we're just paralyzed. We don't have the energy, we don't know where to begin.

[00:03:40] Whereas stress will look at that and okay, boom. Let's get it done. We're check check check. Getting everything done crossed off. That's I think, the market difference between these two. Right. And I, I get to burn out when I haven't refueled, I haven't given myself more gas and I haven't tapped in and really checked in on what's my stress level been, right.

[00:04:02] And that's then what gets me. So what do you do to refuel then? What kinds of things help for you? Because I know for myself, when I'm feeling that, I do need to take a break. It's just like a car coming off. You got to pull off. You got to fill up with gas. And for me, I like to sit, have something to eat, watch something, scroll for a little while.

[00:04:26] And it's amazing. I do feel energy coming back and then I can go again. And what do you do to. I like going for walks to. I like to watch going for. What do you like to do? What refuel. Is you right? Right. And I think what's helpful is thinking about like, what will help me. Right. So sometimes it is shifting back to like, self-care.

[00:04:50] Right. So it's shifting back to like, am I getting enough sleep? Am I eating well? Am I moving my body? Am I drinking water? Right? Are there some physical things going on? Then it is talking about like for me it's shifting through of like what actually needs to be done, right. So if I'm in that kind of like numbed out space and just going to feel like everything's kind of floating.

[00:05:10] So it's almost like my thoughts are organized, right? Like, I'm not really even thinking. Right. I'm just kind of like, you know, like they're scrolling or like, that's when it's like a little bit of, like, for me, sometimes it's like it's actually getting up, getting moving. Right? Just like we do for some disassociation. We're kind of checking out.

[00:05:27] So get up, get moving a little bit or kind of taking a deep breath and be like, okay, what do you need to do tonight? What will feel helpful to do tonight? So shifting my language to instead of like, you've got to you have to do all these things. It's what will be helpful. What will serve me tonight.

[00:05:43] Like where do I want to start? Yeah. That kind of thing. Those kind of thoughts can be helpful. Connecting with supportive people. So oftentimes if I have been stressed and push and push and pushing, I have neglected the things that actually bring me joy and give me joy. So then that's when I intentionally will try and kick in and do things that bring me joy.

[00:06:03] Right? That's great to remember. This is not all that exists, right? That's really helpful. And then it's really checking in with people pleasing or perfectionistic things that can be there of like, I need to do all this to meet people happy, or I need to make sure that this happens and really kind of checking that. Right. Because it's it feels like, well, I'm going to be less scared.

[00:06:24] Actually, I'm already in a place of apathy, right. And so that can be helpful to have like really watching for perfectionism or those. Sure. So going inward to look at there are things I may be doing that can contribute to my burnout. Yeah. And maybe some other examples we can highlight for people. Where does this burnout come from?

[00:06:47] Sometimes it is internal and sometimes it's external. We have in our workplace lots of demands and or in our families or in our communities. Right. Like feeling the need to help the community do things for churches. Churches are really good at doing that. And I know I've been there. And so I think it can happen. I workload with unrealistic expectations a lack of control over your environment.

[00:07:12] Yeah. And when that consistently is there that will deplete us poor work life boundaries and insufficient support. You were just talking about as well as caregiving responsibilities, what we are a caregiver for people that are persistently in need of help, that can be very draining. There can be something called compassion fatigue as well that can lead to burnout.

[00:07:37] Yes. And as you said, just the perfectionism and high self pressure. So you may want to ask yourself what's contributing to my burnout? Is it internal? Is it the demands I'm placing on myself or is it truly external? The man's on my time are consistently, and my energy and my emotion. It's just consistently more than I can really bear.

[00:08:03] Yeah. And for me, it's when I combine the two, it's for me. So it is when there are external pressures and then that internal pressure is added. Right. So it's these their tasks to do and then that internal pressure to do it right or make sure everything everybody's happy, make sure everybody's included, those sort of things or those demands are like, you know, the self-talk about, you know.

[00:08:24] So I think as you're talking about demand is like, what popped into my head is like laundry. Laundry, right? As a working parent and having two kids who are in sports and how fast we go through volleyball shorts and basketball shorts, right. Like, and this morning, like, I don't have any clean volleyball shorts. And if my negative self-talk was like, oh man, I didn't do that, I should have done the laundry call versus like, well, going to be okay.

[00:08:48] Find the shorts in the basket. We're in one more time. We'll do laundry tonight. But it's that if that negative self-talk had been I failed not good enough, then that can contribute to then like that shutting down or not feeling good enough. But if it can be shifted back to let's get reasonable expectations, everybody's okay, this isn't a big deal.

[00:09:08] Yeah, maybe you get to do that and then you have to go to work the next day. And perhaps you have the same type of experience then at work where the demands are excessive and unrealistic, then what you really can bring to the table. So you might be listening to this and thinking, well, I don't know, I am kind of burned out, but maybe notice some resistance to admit this, but know this that about 57% of workers report experiencing burnout.

[00:09:39] That's pretty alarming. So if you're not experiencing it, the person in the cube or the office next to you probably is. Yeah. And if they're not, then it's probably you. So it's okay. It's normal. You're not alone. And roughly 25% of Americans report experiencing burnout before the age of 30. And that's a real sad state of affairs. And so, yeah, just good to be aware that you are not alone.

[00:10:09] And this is something indicative of our American culture, too. I think our badge of honor sometimes is that I'm busy and we we wear that proudly, but then we we suffer privately as a result. And so it's very important that we just jettison the shame and realize this is normal and not healthy. Yeah, yeah. And that burnout in the workplace or a place where you are having external demands, right?

[00:10:35] Burnout can happen when we feel like we don't have a voice, but we feel like we're not being validated or we feel like they're unrealistic expectations or demands. And oftentimes, like there can be. Right? Because we can be in that culture of going and doing, and different work environments have different kind of tones to that. So I think it's recognizing what kind of environment, what is the culture here about work and self-care and burnout.

[00:10:57] And then I always find so helpful the reminder of like what is actual assertive communication? So if you are feeling like you don't have a voice or you're not being heard, like assertive communication is when you are expressing yourself that honors your needs and the needs of somebody else. So it is to me that means I can ask for what I think would be helpful in a way that is respectful and calm and grounded.

[00:11:23] And so really, if you're feeling like, how do I find my voice, I encourage you to think about how can I be assertive, where I can honor my needs and ask for my needs while also respecting the needs of that other person? And that means I can be kind, I can be respectful. I can be thoughtful and intentional in my words and actions.

[00:11:41] Yes, and it can be really hard for us because we we get reinforced for being stressed and the lifestyle were living. So I might want that. And yet not even realize what's contributing to my burnout is the more I push myself, I get all sorts of a words, I get accolades, I get adoration, I get approval, I get acceptance, and so I want that, I that feels great.

[00:12:09] And I get I get all sorts of chemicals that release that make me feel good. Okay. That can get in the way of doing what I really need to do, like you're talking about. And so just if you're listening to that, know that that can definitely come into play. I can't relate to that at all. But just know that, yeah, yeah.

[00:12:30] We have to be aware of that. Yeah. And like and for my burnout. Right. Like or for burnout like what can happen to is then we we get those words for a while. But then it can lead to like anger and resentment and frustration. And if we, you know, it can be really hard to speak out. And when we are in kind of burnout, we're kind of shut down.

[00:12:51] It is like it is harder to problem solve. It's harder to think like, oh, there might be some possible solutions instead of just like pointing the finger, right, like being about it. And so that is something to watch for, like signs of burnout or when you're feeling like resentful or angry or why don't they just or why can't we just versus like then when you recognize those patterns in yourself, that's the time to stop and say, wait a minute, I'm stuck in this.

[00:13:17] Like, how can I be part of the problem solving? How can I be part of the solution? What what can I look for or what will actually help? Versus just naming what's wrong? Because that happens and that sometimes we need validation, but then that can keep us in this negative loop that it does not serve us right. So how do you know?

[00:13:35] Let's maybe give some more concrete examples of symptoms and how, you know, is that stress or am I burned down? Yeah. I think we should compare the two. So stress versus burnout. So if I am stressed my nervous system is overactive. So that's kind of feeling activated. My heart rate's going faster I'm moving faster I'm kind of thinking a little faster.

[00:13:59] My nervous system is telling me to go yes. Whereas burnout is my nervous system is depleted. I'm shutting down. I can't do even though I might want to, I just can't. There's nothing there. Like we said, there's no there's no gas in the tank. And so it's important. It's not that I'm defective. I'm just depleted. Yeah. And then stress has a sense of urgency of I want to be prepared for this exam.

[00:14:27] I want to do well in this presentation. I want to get ready for that volleyball tournament and make sure we all have clean shorts and all the things. So there's this urgency that like, helps motivate us. Like you alluded to, new stress. Like there's a positive aspect to being stress that helps us function and get things done. Yes.

[00:14:44] And when we continually can be in that, it can lead to burnout and rather than urgency, we now we go to apathy and we just kind of throw our arms up and say, I don't even care about clean shorts anymore. And yet we do. And because we do, but yet we don't have the energy. And I just have apathy and I don't do something.

[00:15:04] Well now that might create more stress again, too. And so apathy is just a normal kind of thing. And it's a way you're just to listen, to not be critical on it. Just be curious, what is my body trying to tell me when there's kind of this apathy and I can't respond? And when we have stressed what we might find like interpersonally is irritability, right?

[00:15:25] So more likely to kind of like think about what you're doing and what the other person isn't doing. Can I keep hearing that or feeling like I don't have time for that? And so your fuze might be a little shorter because you're trying to stay focused and get the things done that you need to. So you might notice irritability with stress, whereas with burnout you're going to notice cynicism, detachment.

[00:15:45] You're not engaging people as much. You're isolating a little bit. And in your mind, or even in how you talk with other people. And as a more negative bet, you're noticing the faults and the flaws, picking out, kind of talking about what you were referring to earlier, the the blaming and the accusing, and when really what we need to be doing is admitting admitting that I'm burned out.

[00:16:09] Okay. Yeah. And then with stress, we can feel overwhelmed. Right. That sense of kind of overwhelm is a common thing that we experience. Right. And with burnout we it feels done. I'm done. Put it for can me I'm done. And so that is an important distinction there as well. We it's just I'm done I put a fork in me I've got nothing left.

[00:16:35] Yeah. And then for stress right. Breaks help taking those time away kind of doing self-care or combing the nervous system. Those that can be really helpful. So like I'm going to take a break. I'm going to go do that. So I'm going to be intentional about my time. Whereas burnout again it breaks don't really fully fix it. There's something else going on I don't need necessarily a break.

[00:17:00] I need something that's going to build me up. And when I can realize that, I can take corrective actions. But if I'm not aware, I'm just going to become very despondent because I'm depleted. Yeah, yeah. And so today we've talked a lot about kind of stress versus burnout and kind of how do you know the difference? And burnout is not about willpower problem.

[00:17:26] It's a depletion problem. And we'll leave you at this. Right. Stress says speed up. Burnout says stop or I'm done. Any good words for us to think about here today? We hope this has been helpful, practical for you. We know it has been helpful for us. Kind of feel like I'm looking in the mirror and if you are struggling and you feel like you are kind of at that point of stoppage, because burnout can also turn into depression and it can lead to anxiety and other problems if it's really getting in the way of your functioning at home, at work, wherever, then go get some help and you'll realize you can be empowered to live

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[00:18:27] See you next session! Everyday therapy is a production of Sagent Behavioral Health, one of the largest behavioral health organizations in the country. To learn more, visit SagentBH.com