Ep. 149 | Mindfulness in Everyday Life: How to Slow Down, Tune In, and Feel Better

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Welcome to Everyday Therapy, where simple and practical concepts of therapy meet your everyday life. Hosted by licensed marriage and family therapist Brett Cushing and doctor Karen Ryan, we're here to help you unlock tools and strategies you need to become the best version of yourself. Whether you're looking for guidance, inspiration, anecdotes, or actionable advice, you're in the right place.

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Let's dive into everyday therapy.

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Hello and welcome to another episode of Everyday Therapy. Now we're going to be talking about doing something everyday throughout the day that sounds simple. And yet it's hard to do, easy to understand, but hard to do. Yes, practice. And many people think it's kind of the flavor of the month in psychology where we're talking about mindfulness. And yet it's been around for centuries.

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Yes, and millennia. And so I think it's new to us more in the West. And there's a lot of misconceptions about it. And what is it? What is it not? So we're going to dive into mindfulness and find out that this is very practical and effective. It's very powerful in changing people's lives. Yeah, absolutely. And what what is mindfulness.

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And like how do we practice this today. Yes. How can we not be mindful. But when I think about it, there's much in my day that's rather mind less that I do quite distracted or multitasking. Right. Which is not mindfulness. Right. So the definition of mindfulness is being aware of one's present moment without judgment. So it's about awareness.

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It's about lack of judgment. Just noticing. Yes. And I think that's really hard for us for two reasons. One, we are incredibly busy. So we're going going, going. And to just be mindful of what what am I thinking? What am I feeling right now? That's hard because our mind is just racing on to the next thing. And I find with many of my clients and myself to do this without judgment.

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Yes, that is incredibly counterintuitive. I can judge myself for everything I do. It seems so to do this without judgment. What a relief that would be. Yeah, it's easy to get stuck on, personal awareness or what we're thinking or what we're feeling. But oftentimes when we do that, it's it is with that judgment. Right. Is with that sometimes critical lens or what we need to be doing or should be doing or what's next.

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And so that power of when we can remove that judgment, that's when we find the benefits, right, of being aware, being mindful. And as I alluded to just a moment ago, we in the West, we are a little bit late to the party on this. This has been going on and it's been rooted in Buddhist and Hindu traditions.

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And really it's modern rise here in the West was via I don't even know how you pronounce his name. John Kabat-Zinn. Jon Kabat-Zinn. Jon Kabat-Zinn. That's right. So many people have maybe heard of Zen. But I haven't heard his full name like that. So it's not necessarily, though about clearing your mind, it's more about noticing what's there in the first place.

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Yeah, right. And why do we care about that? Like why do we want to notice. And I think about mindfulness and that awareness without judgment is critical because that's our first step to meeting any of our needs. If we are not aware of what we're thinking and feeling and processing and needing, we can't ever meet our own needs or practice any self-care and so the essential piece of being able to be aware of what are we feeling, what are we thinking?

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How are we doing? And yet, Karen, how could we not know what we're thinking and what we're feeling, what we're needing, what we're wanting? I think it's easy for us to relate to that, though, when we consider maybe our partner asks us, so where do you want to go for dinner tonight? I have no idea. Yep. And we don't know what we really want.

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We don't know. And for many of us, we become so hyper attuned to how everybody else is thinking and feeling that we are really. That's what we're mind less are not mindful and aware of. What am I feeling? And then to not judge myself for having a feeling or a desire or a need. Yeah. And personally, if I have a really busy day at work and I'm going, going, going, meeting me with clients and going and then I get in the car and I'm listening to the radio, maybe my sister calls and I make a phone call, and then I get home and I'm making dinner, and then my daughters come in and ask me

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a question, and I find myself wanting to kind of snap or be defensive. And I think, you know, wow, I have not been mindful. I'm exhausted. I'm hungry. I didn't practice any sort of like, decompression on my car ride home. Right. And so I was actively engaged in my day, all day with other people, like you said, trying to meet all the needs and demands and do things, but didn't adequately check in with how was I doing and then was not able to help mindfully address those needs.

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I'm mindful actually, to further kind of illustrate your point, there is that commercial, the Snickers commercial, they would say you're not yourself well, hungry or you're hangry and they'd have some celebrity character on there. Take a bite of a Snickers and then now they're on their back. Yeah, it really speaks to how we are unaware, what we would say, I think many of our vulnerabilities are think of the acronym shalt thou shalt not.

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I'm stressed, hungry, angry, lonely, tired or bored. Or maybe I've had trauma past trauma in my life that's coming into play. And so I'm coming home from work. What? I'm usually stressed. I'm usually a bit tired. Yeah. And hungry. Yeah. So that's what I value. Yeah. Yes, yes. And we need to be aware of that so we can manage it either way.

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Taking it out on the dog. Yeah. Yeah. And it's not necessarily the opposite but mindfulness is being present and aware. And the opposite to me is being distracted and avoiding. And so I think that happens a lot now we have 24/7 access to radio and podcasts and TV and movies and games, and so we can spend our entire day avoiding how we're feeling.

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And so it takes some courage, especially for a lot of us to be mindful because we we spend a lot of time avoiding feeling. And so it does take some ability to tolerate some discomfort to be mindful. Right. We are in much of what we are avoiding though, is the present. Yes, because time travel is real. We we do it all the time.

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Actually, we don't realize it. We, we go back to in time. We go back to the land of the woulda, coulda should us. Yeah. And that's where depression resides. And we experience that when we go back in time and we're thinking about, oh, I wish I would have done that, I should have done this, and we're beating ourselves up or we travel ahead in time to the future, into the land of the what ifs.

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Well, what if this and what if that? And that's where anxiety resides. And so we are doing time travel either into the past or into the future. Yeah. And we don't have any control. And so mindfulness like you were talking about gets us rooted in the present where I actually have control. Now, I've heard of a study about this, and it showed that almost half of our time is in the past or in the future, thinking about things there that we have essentially no control over.

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Right. No wonder that yes. Yeah. And the anxiety it does 100%. And that being able to be present. Right. And what we can see is when we are able to practice some of this mind mindfulness, the benefits are extraordinary. They really are. There's so much that's been done in using just mindfulness exclusively to treat trauma. There's a very popular book in our field.

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A lot of late people are reading it too. The body keeps the story, and I think it was in that book where they talked about using just mindfulness with soldiers, combat veterans. And they just did mindfulness for three months. So only did that into anything else. And they were able to see that their PTSD symptoms were alleviated.

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And then they tested them a year later and found that the PTSD had not returned. So it really speaks to the power of mindfulness. And because when we're experiencing trauma, what are we doing where we are doing that type back? And yes, and then we oh, no. But what if this in the future. So it is a powerful tool.

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And then we try to avoid right checking in with that. Then we try to avoid. Yeah. Right. Yeah. And mindfulness. Yeah. The power of it is being able to be aware of those minuscule and those little signs and symptoms like it. The first sign of a need that we need to meet. Yeah. And so that is where we really see ourselves being empowered to offer that really good self-care is when we can recognize the signs before they become overwhelming.

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And that gives us a really healthy sense of control. Well, let me set the table a bit more, because, if you weren't convinced to try and making of making mindfulness, an integral part of your week and days, what was found in studying mindfulness and how it affects the brain, they they looked at some Hindu monks, and they do this look 12 hours a day and they notice their brains are different.

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One side of the brain that really focuses more on impulse control, where we have peace and serenity. That was much more activated. Whereas people in the West, it was just the opposite, where we don't have the impulse control and we tend to be reactive. That was much more activated. Now, the interesting thing in the study is they said, I wish I knew how they did this.

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They said, let's irritate these monks and see what happens. And so yeah, what was the irritant? Yeah. So I thought it would be fun to know. But they they stress them out in some. Yeah. And they did find that the functioning of their brain, the other hemisphere was activated, but they very quickly returned to that state of peace.

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And quiet and serenity again, which they didn't see with people in the West. So yeah, just trying to set the table that this is very important and helpful. Yeah. And there was a study by the National Institute of Health and it reviewed I mean, there's pages, pages of citations. So just that means hundreds and hundreds of studies that all showed the benefits of practicing mindfulness, which is going to lower our stress and anxiety.

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It improves your subjective well-being. It improves your emotion regulation or decreases your emotional reactivity. You're able to tolerate more and have more resiliency in that. And then there's brain changes in the area responsible for memory and learning, just like you were referring to. And so it's really that piece of you're looking to feel like you have a little bit more of the ability to regulate your emotions, feel more in control, decrease your stress and anxiety, and improve how you feel like mindfulness is a way to do that.

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And I think it's important to highlight we're not asking you to sit and be mindful for two hours a day. Our encouragement is, how do you have some nuggets or some ability to practice a little bit of mindfulness in your day or in your week, because even that is going to benefit you in some of the studies have shown in that same study with the Hindu monks that, well, they ask the question, do we have to spend 12 hours a day doing this?

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And they found that to have the same kind of results in the way the brain is activated as these Hindu monks, it required about, I think it was ten minutes a day, maybe five minutes a day. Amazing. About five, six days a week is all it takes. Yeah. So it's pretty simple and it's hard to believe. It almost feels like snake oil.

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Like it's too good to be true, to do this little effort, to have this much impact and impact. But yet it's true. Yes. And when you as you talk about that, the Mayo Clinic highlighted kind of some different ways that you can practice mindfulness. So you can practice a mindful wake up where you start your day with some intentional breathing, start your day with kind of relaxation.

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I'm I dropped my shoulders. I'm going to relax my face, going to take some deep breaths and I'm going to check in and say, how am I feeling about my day? How do I feel about this? How is my body feeling? What do I have going on and just feeling? How do I feel right now? Right. Mindful eating so that slow down.

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Be aware of what you're eating. How does it taste? How's the texture? How's the food? How is the company? What are you appreciating about this meal? Mindful driving. Can you turn off the radio? Can you turn off anything that's, like, distracting or stimulating and just be mindful as you drive? Mindful movement. Can you take a walk or for a run?

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Do something where again, you don't have anything on. You're not listening to anything. It's you and your mindful thoughts again without judgment. Right? And then a mindful pause. So some days on a really long day, this is self-disclosure. I will lay on the kitchen floor. For some reason that feels most inviting. I get home and I will literally like just lay on the floor and my family doesn't even, like bat an eyelash anymore.

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I'm grounding, decompressing, and just checking in with myself. I think I'm going to try that. Might have to clean the floor first, but I'm going to try that just to see that it sounds it sounds really effective. It gets you in touch with yourself in your environment. And that's that's really what we're talking about. Maybe by will of it, by way of illustration, is sort of like going through life mindlessly is going through life not checking your gauges.

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I yeah, the first year I bought, for $500, it was a Honda Accord. I took it up to college hour and a half away. And on the way back there was this red light that came on, and it looked like it had something to do with the heat or a temperature. I just ignored it. And I kept on going, and I'm like, I'm fine.

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And I just I'm almost home. And, well, I not only couldn't drive anymore, the car stopped, but I melted the entire engine. Oh no, I was ignoring yes, with the gauges and what they were telling me. Maybe if somebody has driven and ran out of gas before because they didn't pay attention to the gauge, our body is, our senses are giving us information and saying, pay attention, pay attention.

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And we're so disconnected from the messages that it that we're not paying attention, that they can do a lot of harm to ourselves. Or when we come home and we're upset and it's about something at the office, and you go home and kick the dog kind of thing. Yes. Yeah. And when we can do a loving check in on how our bodies are doing, oftentimes that can be such a sign, and a way to check in on what our emotional needs are.

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That to me, I get my first cues about my emotions through my body. And there's very cool research done. If you kind of search like where the bodies experience emotions, there's specific spaces where like anger is like in the chest and kind of down the arms. Fear tends to be like in our chest, you know, discussions like in our throat, sometimes in our belly, happiness tends to be like in our chest, in our head.

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And that love is kind of dispersed throughout our body. And it's so true. I mean, and shame can be kind of like in your cheeks. For me, it's like a deep like my it's almost like a downward motion in my gut, like it's like I just want to hide away. And so, yeah, there's been times when my face feels swollen right under my eyes.

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Like I've been crying. I have it and I tap and I'm like, I am feeling really sad about that. Or I'll be sitting and I'll notice, like my hands and I want to clench my hands like, oh, I am feeling irritable or annoyed at this moment. Right? And then sometimes and I snuggle my dog like my my chest feels like warm and like it's expanding.

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Like I'm the Grinch, right? My heart's growing. And so mindfulness offers you that opportunity to do a body scan and check in and say, how am I feeling? Because our body tense, it gives us amazing signals, gauges on how we're doing right, how am I feeling and what I think. What's even harder than because we don't have the gauges to tell us is what do I need?

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Yes, what do I need right now? And, what do I maybe it's not a need. Maybe it's a strong ones. And we get so used to suppressing what we think we need and want. Yeah, we are so out of touch with ourselves. And that's. It really is sad because we go through life not having needs and wants met.

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And then where we actually, when we start to do this, what can happen for people is they feel like they're being selfish. So notice that if you start to do some mindfulness things, you even setting time aside to do this, you might feel like you're being selfish, you're neglecting other people, and you might want to reframe that a little bit to think that this is how I'm investing.

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Yes, in my relationship, in this, even in my job to take 15 minutes and do some mindfulness, it helps us to be our better selves more forward. Yeah, helps us to provide the best self-care so then we can really care and connect well with others, right? If we notice we're feeling fear, we need safety. If we're feeling anger, we need something to move or change.

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If you're feeling sadness, we need connection to others or a sense of purpose. If we're feeling disgust, right, we need to like process that. And if we're feeling joy, we want more of that. Yeah. And so when we tap in, then we can acknowledge what we need and then take an active role in doing that. But you're exactly right.

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There's nothing selfish about mindfulness that is like the best gift you can give. Yeah. Those that you have relationship. Yeah. It's, putting the oxygen mask on in the airplane on your cells. Yes. And that's all we're trying to do now, when people practice mindfulness, what I hear them say a lot is I noticed, I noticed, I know, no judgments.

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Yeah. Just noticing this. And I'm noticing that. So practically we want to give you some tips of what you can do. And you'll realize that you're doing mindfulness effectively when you're just noticing things. So for instance, yeah, I like to go for walks, through the woods. And my wife and I would always talk as we're walking and I say, hey, let's just not talk and let's just listen.

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And we were amazed at the symphony of birds. And we looked at each other and said, have they always been doing this? And we've been missing that? Yeah. It's really speaks to the the extraneous noise. It's just kind of drowning out things that we need to hear. And so we begin to notice. Yeah. So one exercise that I'll share real quick that I have clients do is just it's counting and deep breathing.

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So you inhale through your nose, hold it for about five seconds and then release it through your mouth. And you exhale and that helps us to calm and regulate. But then as you inhale you count to one. And then as you exhale you count to yourself two. And then you inhale the three exhale. For in the end if you get up to ten okay.

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Then start over at one again. Yeah. Now when you notice you're thinking about work, are you thinking about the kids or you're thinking about something else you have to do. Don't judge yourself. Just say well that makes sense. And then start over again. Yeah, sure. Back at one you can start back at one. And it really helps with those intrusive thoughts to become aware of that and not to judge it and stay mindfully present.

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So simple. Yeah. And yet very practical. And it gives you something just enough to focus on to make that kind of full mindfulness feel manageable. It's a nice way to transition into mindfulness. Do you have any thoughts? Yeah. My my number one thought is is there a time in your day where you can take away all of the distractions and all the stimuli?

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So if you drive in a car and you come home somewhere, can you make that a transition time where you check in and you process, how are you feeling? How did your day go? How does your body feel? What are your thoughts right now? How much energy do you have? What do you need? And so really utilizing a time where it's quiet to check in, what do I need?

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Right. To help you with that present control that you talked about? That's such a great point. Because if we don't ask ourselves who's going to. Yeah. And I used to have a little sticker, a little stop sign sticker I'd stick on my car so that when I came to a stop sign or a red light, that's when I would be reminding myself to check in.

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Just like that. What an important thing. So there is some intentionality there. It's really about this. You're very intentional. And practice this. It's going to be very effective. We promise it'll be helpful. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks so much for joining us. Yeah. Thanks so much. Have a great day. You.

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thank you for listening to this episode of Everyday Therapy. We hope you're inspired to apply today's insights to your own life. Don't forget to subscribe so you never miss an episode! If you found this podcast helpful, please leave us a review. It helps others discover the show and join our community. See you next session!

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